I am out of the bush again. This was my fourth stint working at Singita, Serengeti. I said some sad goodbyes yesterday, but hopefully it won’t be long before I see all their smiley faces and hear their happy voices telling me Karibu tena (welcome back).
My students there are the most wonderful and inspirational people, I am so lucky to be part of their incredible journey of developing into successful Tanzanian leaders… I am so proud of them! They let me push them far out of their comfort zones, they share their lives with me and I am so grateful for the their trust and the confidence they have in my ability to help them reach their goals.
My work with this group has helped me stay focused on my purpose & passion during what was a very different stay to usual.
I arrived in the bush with a ‘broken heart’. Finding love had not been on my priority list for quite a while, but all of a sudden it just happened – I was wondering if it was a Covid miracle. For the first time in years I fully embraced vulnerability and I opened my heart. I am naturally an all or nothing person, so I knew I was risking a lot by doing that, and unfortunately the gamble did not pay off, no such thing as miracles…
Over the past couple of months I have had to process what happened and try to heal my ‘broken heart’, and I have reflected on what that actually means. Of course, our hearts don’t literally break, so what is it that hurts so much?
Thought I’d try to ask the always ‘reliable’ internet doctor – apparently there is a thing called broken heart syndrome (who knew!) which shows itself through shortness of breath and chest pain. And I guess that is sort of true with the initial shock of whatever happens to ‘break your heart’.
But I think some very strong emotions would ultimately be the cause of these symptoms. The feeling of rejection, the feeling of not being good enough. The self-doubt and self-blaming; what did I do wrong? what if I’d done or said this and that differently? The feeling of having been lied to or taken advantage of. The sudden and excruciating feeling of loneliness.
The overwhelming emotion for me has been that of rejection. It felt like my vulnerability, my heart and my unconditional love was not good enough! But of course it almost always boils down to either ‘not the right person’ or ‘not the right timing’. I have concluded that this relationship probably suffered from both of these conditions. And I have come to terms with the rejection and come out the other side with the help of my rewarding work and some really incredible friends. During this healing process they have listened for hours, supported me, been a shoulder to cry on, built me up, checked in with me across several time zones and drunk wine with me. I am so fortunate to have these wonderful people in my life.
I think the below sums up how we keep going through tough times pretty well – definitely inspired me to move on and stay brave!
Laugh, even when you feel too exhausted.
Smile, even when you’re trying not to cry.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Sleep, even when you’re afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Keep going, even when it feels like the world is against you.
And, even when the memories pinch your heart, remember that because of the pain of all your experiences, you are the person you are now.
What makes you brave is your willingness to live through bad life experiences and hold your head up high the next day.
So don’t live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were before it started.
BETINA IN AFRICA 